Once again, I have been lax in the Cranky Doodle Day department, not being very cranky these days! But I thought I might pretend to be cranky about the categories of commenters I have noticed at blogs and at Facebook. Here are some. (I will be loose re: “you” and “I” and in the general structure and consistency of the list, because this is an unprofessional blog.)
Lurkers—They read the blog but don’t comment, so you don’t know for sure they are there. But sometimes they cannibalize you or capitalize on you by taking your topic. And sometimes they refer to the blog later, IRL, showing they were there.
(I always hope my own Lurkers mainly love me. Example: My mom) (Who sometimes comments, here or IRL.)
(Mom, IRL = in real life.)
Know-it-alls—They comment in a way that suggests some flaw or error in what you posted and also suggests their greater knowledge, even if they don’t provide evidence of that by actually correcting the error or proving that it was an error in the first place, as when they just add additional facts, as if you were really stupid to leave those out, or elaborations that pretty much destroy the subtle joke you provided in the original post. Well, really, they probably don’t care what you intended, as they are just displaying their own knowledge. Over and over again. (This happens mostly at Facebook, where I mostly look the other way.)
Anonymous (plural, Anonymi)—It is possible for “Anonymous” to post here, just like everyone else, but I generally hope for some informal signature or little clue as to the identity/safeness of the comment poster. (Example: “—Love, your sister, Chris” or “—the real Shakespeare”)
(I don’t post commercials by Anonymi.)
Snarks: They rarely comment, but when they do, it’s snarky.
Sharks: They may read, i.e., lurk, but they are unable to comment, having fins instead of fingers and being always underwater, swimming. (If someday they find a way to post, they must prove they are not robots.)
Robots—Robots are free to post if they identify themselves as robots and can prove they are not robots.
(Let’s all expect a Know-it-all to tell me what’s wrong with that.)
Humorless Know-it-alls—See above.
Skimmers—They merely skim the blog entry and leave a comment that proves it.
(I leave them at the mercy of Know-it-alls who happen to comment after them.)
Pretenders—If any of the actual Pretenders, say, Chrissie Hynde, wish to comment, they should feel free. But pretend Pretenders pretend to know me, leaving an Anonymous comment that suggests a familiarity with me without proving that we really know each other, in person or online. So I don’t publish their comments/commercials. Same as with:
Stalkers—I save their unpublished comments, which they may think are untraceable, but which aren’t (that’s a double negative, you Humorless Know-it-all, that makes sense in this context) if you know technology and law-enforcement people (and I do), in case of legal action later.
(If I end up dead someday, my mom knows what to do.)
Zombies—I think my origami brain is safe from zombies, here in the blog, anyway.
(My mom won’t know how to handle zombies.)
TMI-ers—OK, I am probably one of these, and I don’t mind them at all when they post here (unless they write seven paragraphs about their childhood and psychological diagnoses, which I have seen/skimmed at other blogs), as long as it is fairly short and mostly good-natured. (If you have more to say, hey, you can start your own blog!) I know I often make a personal connection when I comment at other blogs, noting coincidences, etc. (Example: “I baked pumpkin bread today, too!” or “I have also written a poem with that title” or “Is that a fin, or are you just happy to see me?”)
So, generally, it is not too much information! It’s just the right amount, people. I love hearing from you!
Failed sit-down comics—Guilty.
Thanks to Louie Baur for the door sign, widely shared at Facebook. Likewise, thanks to Hippie Peace Freaks for the moon shadow.